Author, actor and broadcaster, Samantha Renke stars in ITV’s new chat show, Unfiltered Women alongside, Fats Timbo and Jay Howard in which they discuss the realities of living in a Disabling world. Here Samantha explores the taboos that still exist around dating and disability and offers advice on how to be an ally and navigate sex and relationships.
Shocking as it might seem, Disabled and Neurodivergent people like sex; we like to date, some of us dream of the big fairytale wedding, parenthood and some of us even want to play the field as much as the next folk. We masturbate, we flirt, some of us are into weird and wonderful kinky shizzle and we can all hurt when we feel rejected.
You see, Disabled people are like, well, everyone really. We want the same things in life. We, like you, deserve love, respect and dignity. That’s not a cliché, just a straight-up, solid fact.
It doesn’t matter who we are, we all need human connection, some more than others. The bottom line is we all want to feel loved. Heard. Worthy. Worthy enough for another human being to notice us and see all the beauty we have to offer this world. A partner in crime, someone to create memories, share passions and smile with.
Yet, many Disabled people are often denied all of the above as we are repeatedly infantilised by the pre-disabled world. (Pre-disabled is a term used more frequently by Disabled people to identify that everyone will potentially become Disabled at one time in their lives and therefore it’s less divisive than saying abled and disabled bodied.) Defined by our Disability or difference as though it is the only part of our identity.
Disability is steeped in harmful stereotypes and tropes which leads many to believe that our lives are comparable to a Greek tragedy or a life lesser than; a burden, not something one will wish upon themselves if they want to have a happy existence.
The truth is that, yes, having a condition or difference, visible or unseen, can be challenging at times but most of the barriers that come our way are external. The world simply isn’t designed for anyone who dares to deviate from what society sees as ‘normal’.
Sadly Disability is seldom synonymous with sexy, desirable or even worth investing in.
We rarely talk about disability and sexuality in the same sentence. We hardly ever see Disabled parents, lovers or pin ups on our television screens. It’s as though the world sees Disabled people as loveless.
Newsflash! We really aren’t!
There is no doubt that Disability can have a profound effect on your love/sex life. I am absolutely one of those Disabled people who have over the years struggled with self-acceptance, love and dating.
I was born with a condition called Osteogenesis Imperfecta – often referred to as Brittle Bones Syndrome – essentially my body does not produce type one collagen. This means my bones and organs are weak. I am a full-time wheelchair user and have had hundreds of fractures throughout my life. As a baby I would be carried like a prized chihuahua on a cushion, too fragile to be cradled like babies would typically be (this fact often makes me chuckle, as I question where my feisty behaviour comes from.)
