Once and future FLOTUS Melania Trump is bringing her signature brand of menacing holiday decor to homes worldwide this festive season in the form of four Christmas ornaments ranging in price from $75-$90. If you can’t wait until next Christmas for the return of the aesthetic sensibility that brought the world such festive pleasures as blood-red trees crowding the corridors of the White House like silent handmaidens straight from the mind of Margaret Atwood and human props in the form of white-clad ballerinas at which to coldly stare, Mrs. Trump is selling an aggressively named “Merry Christmas, AMERICA!” (capitalization hers) capsule collection of ornaments for those who want to add some MAGA Spirit to their seasonal decor.
Four ornament designs, each with the optional inclusion of a digital collectible (not her first NFT rodeo) and the mandatory presence of Melania’s signature, are available to purchase; three of them are priced at $75, while the “USA Star” model is a premium $90. The brass “Vote Liberty” piece and the three leaf clover-esque “Love & Freedom,” which could also double as a useful cheat sheet for those who always forget the country’s nickname (USA), birthday (1776), and headshot (an etched facsimile of the American flag), are both sold out already. The Christmas spirit has seized the wallets of many, it would seem. Never fear, “USA Star” and “Let It Snow” (which does not in fact resemble winter precipitation) are still available to purchase. Shipping is only $10 and will take an estimated 10 to 12 weeks, all sales are final, and no refunds or exchanges are accepted. Very merry, indeed!
Melania Trump watches ballerinas perform in the Grand Foyer as she tours Christmas decorations at the White House in Washington, DC, November 27, 2017.SAUL LOEB/Getty Images
But, really, how better to prepare for the Trump family’s return to the White House than by receiving a package of Christmas ornaments sometime around late February? It’ll look just fabulous on your “Remember Inauguration Day a Few Weeks Ago” tree. And, actually, it’s perfect for fans of Melania, who was heard in leaked 2018 audio, released in 2020 by former friend/aide Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, complaining about her festive first lady decor duties.
“I’m working my ass off at the Christmas stuff,” she moaned in the infamous tape. “Who gives a fuck about the Christmas stuff and decorations? But I need to do it, right?”
Would someone who had a single, solitary Christmas fuck to give order an unimpressively designed, overpriced ornament that’ll arrive months late? I don’t think so. It’s perfect.
She may have learned her lesson about saying the quiet thing loud, but it doesn’t seem like Melania has found that missing Christmas fuck just yet. In an interview on Fox & Friends last week, she shilled her wares, saying, “They are very special. They’re very patriotic this year. As you can see, it’s all red, white, and blue. I was inspired by the election.”
The ornaments were displayed right there with her, nestled in their red velvet casings and being ooh-aaahed over by the Friends, but her description doesn’t match up with the doodads in front of her. “All red, white, and blue”? Only two of the ornaments feature even a trace of color, “USA Star” with its flag-printed “USA” straight out of the Microsoft Office 98 clip art library, and some monochrome—would we call these swords? The effect is a little Iron Throne-y, so, sure—swords radiating from the center of the “Let It Snow” objet d’art. Snow swords. America!
As for being “inspired by the election”? It’s timeless decor in the sense that the pieces could have been dreamed up in 1982. But there are no slogans or icons that would evoke the 2024 election: A garbage truck? A McDonald’s hat? Perhaps a simple MAGA ballcap, just for old times’ sake?
But does it even matter if the ornaments are not as advertised? Melania Trump has already made it clear that when it comes to how the stockings are hung by the chimney, she really doesn’t care (do u?). Sounds like she’s the perfect candidate—for a lump of coal.
A representative for Trump did not immediately respond to Vanity Fair‘s request for comment.
