Sometimes, the only thing standing between you and a healthy, happy relationship is…you. Getting to know someone and letting your guard down can feel amazing, but that same intimacy can also freak some people out and send them running for the hills.
Self-sabotage in relationships can show up in a bunch of different ways. But at its core, it includes “thoughts and behaviours that ruin your chances of a real connection, in an effort to protect yourself,” says Idit Sharoni, a couples’ therapist and host of the Relationships Uncomplicated podcast. In other words, it’s the assumption that “If I break up with them first, then I won’t get hurt.” Or “because this feels ‘too good to be true,’ something bad is bound to happen.”
You might be wondering, Why would anyone mess up a good thing on purpose? Well, loving someone makes you super vulnerable – and sometimes, pushing away the very person who holds so much power over your heart can be a strategy to stay emotionally safe. “This instinct, which often isn’t intentional, can stem from past trauma, fear of abandonment, or insecurities about not ‘deserving’ healthy love,” Sharoni explains. In the long run though, bolting before you get too attached won’t protect you: It’ll only rob you of the joy that comes from authentic, loving experience.
If these self-destructive patterns sound all too familiar, you first need to spot when you’re falling into them. Below, therapists share the biggest (and sneakiest) signs of self-sabotage in relationships to watch out for, so you can stop holding yourself back from the love you deserve.
1. You set unrealistic expectations for your partner
It’s one thing to know what you want. Maybe your “dream” partner has a stable job they enjoy or shares the same political views as you. But it’s another thing to set standards that are so unattainable, no one could ever live up to them, Sharoni says.
Continually raising the bar too high (then using that as an excuse to walk away) can be a form of self-sabotage since you’re setting your partner (and yourself) up for failure. This can look like not committing to someone you genuinely like unless they have the exact same hobbies and life goals as you. Or convincing yourself that because they weren’t available to hang one time, that’s your cue to end things. Even if the person doesn’t have any red flags or dealbreakers, you might start hunting for something “wrong” with them.
2. You pick big fights over the smallest issues
It’s normal to get annoyed by little things your partner does or doesn’t do – like hogging the covers at night or forgetting to take out the bins. But if you’re consistently blowing relatively insignificant issues out of proportion, that could be a sneaky sign of self-sabotage, says Angela Sitka, a psychotherapist.
For instance, perhaps you go on a tirade about how“lazy” and “incompetent” they are for not emptying the rubbish, instead of simply reminding them. Or maybe they were five minutes late to dinner because of traffic, and you pop off for the next hour about how they never take the relationship seriously.
