I have a very good friend who is always late. And I don’t mean occasionally or only by a few minutes. I mean every single time and by at least thirty minutes – often longer.
As the clock ticks, I cycle through a mix of emotions. At first, I get a little antsy. Then I become annoyed and frustrated, and by the 40-minute mark, I am downright fuming. My friend knows her chronic lateness makes me go berserk because, well, I’ve snapped at her and said that making me wait every time we hang out is a super rude, disrespectful thing to do (I’m not proud).
Of course, this solved nothing. I came off as rude and made her sad, and now I’m writing about it to you, dear stranger. But I figure there’s got to be a legit solution out there that can nip this problem in the bud so I can meet up with my pal at the agreed-upon time and enjoy whatever we have planned. So I called up Dr Alex Stratyner, a psychologist at Stratyner & Associates, for some advice. What the heck can you do if you have a perpetually late pal who you love but also kinda want to strangle? Here, Dr. Strayner shares three things you can do to get your friendship back on track.
Try not to take their not-so-great planning personally
It’s totally understandable to get agitated when you have to sit and wait (and waaait) for someone to show up. You may feel like you prioritised and set aside time to be with this person and start questioning why they didn’t do the same for you – or, perhaps, like you could be doing better things with your time than twiddling your thumbs by yourself at a table set for two.
If you’re super punctual, you might also be flabbergasted or hurt that your friend doesn’t see things the same way, and it can feel like a conflict of values or personal morals, says Dr. Stratyner.
But your bestie’s tardiness likely has nothing to do with you, she says. More often than not, it’s about them and what’s going on in their life. Maybe they’re dealing with a health condition, like ADHD, that makes it tough for them to get out the door, or they’re busy taking care of a sick family member or endless tasks at work, Dr. Stratyner says. They also could have been raised by laid-back parents who never prioritised timeliness – so they might not even realize that other people care about being punctual, she adds.
So, try not to take it personally. Instead, shift your perspective and acknowledge that their actions aren’t about you. This strategy is, essentially, an example of how cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) works – this form of psychotherapy is based on the idea that “when you can change your thoughts, you can change your behaviour or feelings,” Dr. Stratyner says. In this case, changing your POV on the situation can reduce the stress and anxiety you feel about your friend never being on time, she explains.
Express your needs with care and compassion
You want your friend to be aware that your blood boils when they leave you hanging, but it’s important to communicate your frustration delicately. Try not to scold or reprimand them about what they’re doing wrong – no one likes to feel personally attacked. When you point out someone’s irritating behaviour, you want to lay out the facts, share how the situation makes you feel, and express what you want instead, Dr. Stratyner says.
